I always knew exactly who I was. It had never been a question. You can fact check that with my family and childhood friends, if you so desire. I had always been able to hear the beat of my drum above all of the other white noise that overwhelms everyone else. I didn’t care who laughed or shook their head, if anything: that was a big part of the appeal. I loved passionately, and fought the same way. You never had to take a guess at how I felt about anything
And then one day, it stopped. I can’t hear it anymore and the only thing I want in the entire world is to find it again. I have managed to craft a persona that most people like. I can be normal… ish. I can be vanilla and boring and all of the things that I always detested. But it isn’t enough, anymore. I just want to be the girl who doesn’t care what people think.
So what is it then? What makes it stop? What turns it back on? I don’t know, but here is my attempt to find that frizzy-haired, freckle-faced hellion with skinned knees and fire in her eyes. I think it starts with being authentic and unapologetic. I’ve always loved to create, so I’m going to start by writing again. Story is a vital part of human connection. You can’t escape the evidence. Even Jesus didn’t answer a question outright, because answers are forgettable. Give the people a good story, though, let them use it to figure out the answer for themselves… that is what sticks.
I won’t pretend to be what I am not anymore, which may make some people uncomfortable. One of those people will certainly be my mother, but that was always half the fun.
So, Hi. My name is Sara and I’m not tough and unemotional. I’m terrified of allowing people to see just how easy it is to hurt me. I swear with some regularity. I talk about people way too much, which is inauthentic and won’t be part of my life anymore. Cool people make me uncomfortable, at least initially, and I hated Hillary and Donald equally. So there’s the start.